Tinker Tailor soldier saffa

TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SAFFA – The Infantry Training Experience

It all starts with alarm bells…

Catterick Garrison, North Yorkshire, was where I started my actual journey in the Army.  The Infantry Training Centre was the first stop for all potential Infantrymen before they joined their chosen Regiments.I had chosen to join the 1st Battalion Coldstream Guards – a dual role light Infantry and Ceremonial Regiment under the Infantry banner. 

My decision was based off 2 factors (Which I would come to advise people to possibly think harder about in their journeys) – I wanted to start as soon as possible in the Army and I wanted to get the “on the ground” Army experience.

The hard part about the entry into Infantry basic training (Basics) was never the constant barrage of insults or endless hours of meaningless tasks which the training staff continued to hurl at us – for me, it was the lack of sleep. I had never been one to shy away from a good night’s sleep and unfortunately, for me, this was one of the levers which the Army had found works exceptionally well to help break you down (Ultimately so that they could build you into what they needed you to be).

Our days were well structured and full of activities.  A typical day looked like this (Not that there were a lot of “typical” days):

• 05:00 – Reveille (Wake-up)
• 05:15 – Room inspection
• 05:45 – Physical Training Session 1
• 07:00 – Breakfast
• 07:30 – Lessons
• 10:00 – Coffee Break
• 10:30 – Physical Training Session 2
• 12:30 – Lunch
• 13:30 – Lessons
• 16:00 – Physical Training Session 3/Marching Practice
• 18:30 – Dinner
• 19:00 – Weapon Cleaning
• 21:00 – Kit preparation for next day
• 00:01 – Room preparation for morning inspection
• 01:30 – Bedtime (If we were lucky)

The struggle we faced was that there was a faulty alarm in our block which sounded throughout the day and night – this meant that when we were complete with our room prep, we would pick up our sleeping bags and be marched 1.5kms to a transit block where we were then allowed to go to sleep.  The struggle was real…  I still, to this day, am not sure whether the events at the beginning of my training were planned or whether it was just some sadistic joke from the universe, what I am sure of is that it was undeniably the worst first month and a half that I had spent doing something new, which I can remember…

A single bed fits out a standard window…

The most infuriating part of basics was the constant need for the training staff to inspect us, our clothes, kit and rooms.  Normally, this would not be something that would cause worry, however when the aim of these inspections is to find something wrong, it seems to add another level of apprehension to them.

The aim of this game was to work as a room unit and ensure that everyone would pass the inspection and avoid the wrath of the training staff.  The inspection started like any other…  We would stand by our beds at ease, the Platoon Sergeant would enter the room with his minions and the fun would start.

• Socks – Tightly rolled with smiling faces… Pass!
• Shirts – Pressed immaculately with sleeves overlapping… Pass!
• Boots – Highly polished with no dirt in treads… Pass!
• Dust Check – Surfaces clean and dust free – Pass!
• Beds – Hospital corners, no creases, equal folds of sheet – Pass!
• And breathe…

Our room had passed – the 03:00 bedtime, and sleeping on the floor, had worked again – Great success!

It wasn’t long after the staff had left our room that a sound unlike any other started emanating from the room next door.  The crashing of cupboards to the floor and thuds of shoes being thrown out of the room were all but overpowered by the screams of the Platoon Sergeant.

• Socks – Loosely rolled with pouting lips… FAIL!
• Shirts – Train tracks (An issue whereby you iron parallel creases into the clothes resembling train tracks)… FAIL!
• Boots – Dirt in treads – FAIL!

At that point, the importance of the rest of the inspection seemed to disappear.  The infuriated training staff now methodically started to pull apart the room while the occupants were kindly allowed to stand at attention and watch.  Windows were opened and clothes began to flow out of them in a beautiful multicoloured clothes-waterfall.  Bags were opened, their contents were hurled into the main corridor and promptly kicked towards the exits with the determination of premier leaguefootballers going for the winning goal.  The culmination of their obvious discontent with the room’s holistic standards was the point where the 4 single mattresses, which used to occupy their bed frames, were forced through the windows to their new fate, as ground cover, 2 floors down.

The common root cause with all the rooms that would get trashed in the first few months of training was that the team who occupied them failed to grasp the fundamental lessons which were the training staff were trying to teach us…  Optimise the time you have available, administration is a necessity and the most important lesson, always work as a team – everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and you need to learn to use them where you can and assist where you need to in order to achieve a common goal.